Tuesday, May 30, 2006 @ 1:22 AM
Sometimes, I don't know what really was happening around me. Perhaps I've been daydreaming a lot, I kept losing tracks of what I'm doing. I somehow had always been finding myself getting lost along the way, and somehow being pulled back on track again.
Even right now, I'm unsure of what I'm saying or thinking. So many unknowns in my life, so many questions, so many doubts. I sometimes couldn't stand my faithless-ness. I knew how great God is, but I somehow don't seem to be able to trust in God? The fear hidden in me just suck the life out of me. The kind of confusion within, the kind of feeling of being trapped, lost.
Maybe I've been thinking too much, or perhaps I'm into my own sadness for too long, I seem to be unable to move on from some incidents. People who left. Oh, how much they mean to me! How I wish I could see them raise their hands in alter call, to tell God they want to come home. How I wish I could hug them and cry for joy for their revival. How I wish they would just relent to God and come back home.
So much happened. So much fear.
Oh God. So lost, so scared, so confused. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm in the right plan. Of course I am, but I'm really unsure of things.
I prayed to You God. I prayed so hard and sincerely. I just suddenly couldn't take it, I had to drop everything down and talk to You. I felt like crying. I don't know. I don't know! But I just kept praying. Kept praying. Kept babbling on and on and on and on about how I feel.
And a deep assurance rush over me.
"I know." Simple words such as these had refreshed my weary soul. "I understand." These magical words from You filled the emptiness within me. Your presence alone, without any sound or word from You, just Your presence alone-
I feel alive.
I feel peace. And joy. And so many other great feelings. Those bad feelings were gone. Just like that, in a snap. I knew those feelings would come back soon, for the Devil works all day. But God, I have this assurance that everytime, when I meet You-
I'm refreshed.
Oh God. How am I supposed to live without You? Oh God, I don't even dare to imagine how'd it be like. I need You so close, so dear to me. I need You. I need You.
I pray that God, You'll bring me through it all.
Oh mans. I'm going to be rated EMO after people read this entry. -.-'